Welcome to Buenos Aires, bachelorette-watchers! We’re about to get steamy, sexy, and sticky.
JoJo is so excited to be here because she knows that traveling with someone makes it so much easier to fall in love. Ah yes, nothing like an all-expenses paid glamorous vacation to lull you into a false sense of love and adoration. Definitely a smart way to build a relationship. But before we can start these sexy dates, it’s time for a little build up thanks to Chris Harrison. JoJo joins him on an Argentinian bench whilst drinking out of a Starbucks cup. She wonders, “What if I fall in love with two people, just like Ben!” Oh the irony! Chris agrees that this would definitely be SUPER DUPER ironic considering it just happened to JoJo on Ben’s season. So basically, JoJo is going to fall in love with two people this season. Can’t wait for the finale!
Chris abandons JoJo on the bench and rejoins the flock of men to share the news that things are going to get a bit shook up a bit this
episode week. There will be ANOTHER two-on-one date and if you’re living under a rock that is free of Bachelor/Bachelorette Nation you are not only super lucky, but also uniformed of the incredible significance of the famed two-on-one. This means that two men duke it out for one rose. And those two men will be……
Derek and Chase!
Now I know you’re wondering, who the hell are these people? Well, Derek is the one that looks like John Krasinski and Chase is someone else who is on this show! You’re welcome for the informative update!
Before we can get to the Derek/Chase showdown that no one cares about, the first date card comes and it’s for Wells! The only man on the show who doesn’t look the others. Good for him. He can really feel the pressure of the one-on-one date because his relationship, unlike the rest of the men who basically dry hump JoJo whenever they see her, is a little behind. They haven’t even kissed! Thankfully for him, and the rest of us, his date card says “Bésame, bésame muchacho!” So that whole “Wells has hasn’t kissed JoJo” elephant is right out there in the room for all the other contestants to comment on! In my opinion, the man who almost died in your demonic firefighting challenge should be given a bit of a break, JoJo.
After about 10 minutes too long of commentary from the contestants about how weird and horrible and messed up it is that JoJo and Wells haven’t kissed, JoJo arrives in an ugly sweater and the two awkwardly go on their way. They walk around a marketplace with less chemistry than a brother and sister have and Wells politely compliments all the jewelry JoJo tries on during the date.
After their platonic market walk, it’s off to Fuerza Bruta, a performance-art piece that involves swimming on the ground and falling over on treadmills or something? Idk, it really doesn’t surprise me anymore what they put on this show. They roll around on what seems to be a slip n’ slide until Wells’ FINALLY kisses JoJo. And JoJo, I KID YOU NOT, jumps up after the kiss and yells “THAT WAS THE MOMENT, WELLS! WE DID IT!”
I’m sure that is exactly what he wanted to hear after their first kiss. A congratulations so loud that everyone on the crew could probably hear it and then probably repeated to theri friends later that night and a friendly high five. Damn this was awkward.
And in JoJo’s quest to figure out the men on this show, she forces Wells’ to uncomfortably talk about his ex and describe his ideal soulmate. He talks about how even when the initial sparks of a relationship are gone, there’s something stable left in its place, which is actually what he wants. JoJo counters Wells’ more practical and realistic view of relationships and takes a turn describing that she’s looking for her “unicorn” and her “fairytale” love. She’s under the impression that her soulmate is someone she’ll always have those sparks with. Oh JoJo, you naive little chiclet. Of course, I’ve been there. Everyone has been there. But the problem with the sparks she wants is that those sparks often mean a relationship with unpredictability and instability, which is surely in her future if she continues her ridiculous obsession with “bad boys” like Chase and Jordan. It’s pretty obvious our little Bachelorette JoJo is attracted to the
douchebags bad boys of the world so Wells’ realistic views on relationships and love don’t fly and he goes home without a rose.
Man, I’ll miss Wells. If I was the Bachelorette, I would definitely be interested in him because he’s not intimidatingly beautiful and seems like a cool person. RIP to sensible cast members on this show!
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the group-date card comes, and Alex, Jordan, Robby, James, and Luke are “Livin’ la vida loca” maybe? Something like that? I’m not sure and I honestly don’t care too much. The group walk through another market and then decide to play soccer in a parking lot? I’m not sure but I think they either challenged a group of youths to a game or stole their playing field? Anyways, James Taylor uses this game to combat his growing insecurity among the other men because he’s not a HOTTIE like the rest of these guys. Listen James, I get it, you’re a bit dorky but also Luke has a weird face so I think you’re doing okay.
During the penalty kick challenge, James wins and gets his manhood back so much so that he’s confident enough to complain to JoJo about Jordan being a dick one time during a poker game.
James, my goodness. I hate Jordan as much as the next girl but you might pick another battle if you want to really bring down Jordan. Maybe all that controversy about him cheating on his past-girlfriends, sleeping with copious amounts of women and treating them badly, or how he came on this show as a blatant fame-seeking mission. There’s really a lot to complain about but him being a bit of dick during a poker game isn’t the most pressing matter.
And because JoJo is about seventy feet up Jordan’s butt, she goes to confront him immediately and Jordan awkwardly laughs it off in the way that assholes do, making you believe you’re stupid for even bringing it up, so JoJo believes him. God the obsession is real for JoJo. As my roommate Peter, who since moving in with me has watched every episode with me and I think is actually invested, says “This is just acting. Just acting. This fuck.” We’re not huge Jordan fans over here in Queens.
In a twist, Jordan doesn’t get the group rose. Instead, it goes to Luke, who JoJo spent about fifteen minutes straight mouth humping on some bench outside. That was a Buenos Aires kiss, let me tell you. I was a little worried there would be something INAPROPRO activities happening between the two of them. Hold your horses, Luke, it’s not time for the fantasy suites just yet.
It’s time for the two-on-one showdown date between Chase and John Krasinski. They go tangoeing and everything is really uncomfortable and awkward because neither of these mannequinesque men can really dance.
John Derek seems to be really hitting it out of the park (sports reference, check it) and he seemingly has the rose in the bag, but this is a reality show so we know things will crash and burn momentarily. We know it for sure when Chase says he is opening up to JoJo and knows that his love is growing. And voila, a rose for Jordan’s cousin. They’re probably not related but they look and act too similar for me to care.
Derek gets into his limo without a rose and the shock of it bring him to tears and it’s INTENSE. He keeps repeating “Why am I crying? Stop crying” and I do that too man, don’t even worry. You’ll find your Pam someday. Meanwhile, Soledad O’Brien is singing “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” while Derek is actually LOSING it in the back of that limo. That poor guy.
Honestly, it took a lot of effort for me to write a detailed recap of their two-on-one date because it was just that boring and meaningless.
Okay. Now that we’ve got the three dates of the week out of the way, it’s time for the cocktail party. From the promos, we know that some dramz is gonna go down at the rose ceremony so I think we should get right to it.
I can’t believe Alex is still on this show because his pants and shirts are always too tight and he’s so short. I mean he’s probably not that short in real life. I’m only 5 foot so anyone a few inches taller than me is a giant, but Alex is so short I’m alarmed. The first rose goes to Robby and the second goes to Jordan because life is predictable like that. When its time for the third and final rose, JoJo says she can’t do this and goes outside to cry on Chris Harrison’s shoulder. When she gets back, a second rose is delievered and the audience is relieved to see that both James Taylor and Alex get a rose!!! YAY! Another week of the demon gnome Alex! Alex is furious about this and James is a happy little bear cub!
Next week, there is a bunch of lead up to the hometown visits. And it looks like Alex wears a weird hat so that’ll be horrifying!
- My roommate: “Robby is the right kind of douchebag for her.”
- Jordan is such a fucker
- “THAT WAS THE MOMENT WELLS” – not over this