The Bachelorette Recap: John Krasinski Cries

Welcome to Buenos Aires, bachelorette-watchers! We’re about to get steamy, sexy, and sticky.

JoJo is so excited to be here because she knows that traveling with someone makes it so much easier to fall in love. Ah yes, nothing like an all-expenses paid glamorous vacation to lull you into a false sense of love and adoration. Definitely a smart way to build a relationship. But before we can start these sexy dates, it’s time for a little build up thanks to Chris Harrison. JoJo joins him on an Argentinian bench whilst drinking out of a Starbucks cup. She wonders, “What if I fall in love with two people, just like Ben!” Oh the irony! Chris agrees that this would definitely be SUPER DUPER ironic considering it just happened to JoJo on Ben’s season. So basically, JoJo is going to fall in love with two people this season. Can’t wait for the finale!

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ABC

Chris abandons JoJo on the bench and rejoins the flock of men to share the news that things are going to get a bit shook up a bit this episode week. There will be ANOTHER two-on-one date and if you’re living under a rock that is free of Bachelor/Bachelorette Nation you are not only super lucky, but also uniformed of the incredible significance of the famed two-on-one. This means that two men duke it out for one rose. And those two men will be……

Derek and Chase!

Now I know you’re wondering, who the hell are these people? Well, Derek is the one that looks like John Krasinski and Chase is someone else who is on this show! You’re welcome for the informative update!

Before we can get to the Derek/Chase showdown that no one cares about, the first date card comes and it’s for Wells! The only man on the show who doesn’t look the others. Good for him. He can really feel the pressure of the one-on-one date because his relationship, unlike the rest of the men who basically dry hump JoJo whenever they see her, is a little behind. They haven’t even kissed! Thankfully for him, and the rest of us, his date card says “Bésame, bésame muchacho!” So that whole “Wells has hasn’t kissed JoJo” elephant is right out there in the room for all the other contestants to comment on! In my opinion, the man who almost died in your demonic firefighting challenge should be given a bit of a break, JoJo.

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After about 10 minutes too long of commentary from the contestants about how weird and horrible and messed up it is that JoJo and Wells haven’t kissed, JoJo arrives in an ugly sweater and the two awkwardly go on their way. They walk around a marketplace with less chemistry than a brother and sister have and Wells politely compliments all the jewelry JoJo tries on during the date.

After their platonic market walk, it’s off to Fuerza Bruta, a performance-art piece that involves swimming on the ground and falling over on treadmills or something? Idk, it really doesn’t surprise me anymore what they put on this show. They roll around on what seems to be a slip n’ slide until Wells’ FINALLY kisses JoJo. And JoJo, I KID YOU NOT, jumps up after the kiss and yells “THAT WAS THE MOMENT, WELLS! WE DID IT!”

I’m sure that is exactly what he wanted to hear after their first kiss. A congratulations so loud that everyone on the crew could probably hear it and then probably repeated to theri friends later that night and a friendly high five. Damn this was awkward.

And in JoJo’s quest to figure out the men on this show, she forces Wells’ to uncomfortably talk about his ex and describe his ideal soulmate. He talks about how even when the initial sparks of a relationship are gone, there’s something stable left in its place, which is actually what he wants. JoJo counters Wells’ more practical and realistic view of relationships and takes a turn describing that she’s looking for her “unicorn” and her “fairytale” love. She’s under the impression that her soulmate is someone she’ll always have those sparks with. Oh JoJo, you naive little chiclet. Of course, I’ve been there. Everyone has been there. But the problem with the sparks she wants is that those sparks often mean a relationship with unpredictability and instability, which is surely in her future if she continues her ridiculous obsession with “bad boys” like Chase and Jordan. It’s pretty obvious our little Bachelorette JoJo is attracted to the douchebags bad boys of the world so Wells’ realistic views on relationships and love don’t fly and he goes home without a rose.

Man, I’ll miss Wells. If I was the Bachelorette, I would definitely be interested in him because he’s not intimidatingly beautiful and seems like a cool person. RIP to sensible cast members on this show!

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the group-date card comes, and Alex, Jordan, Robby, James, and Luke are “Livin’ la vida loca” maybe? Something like that? I’m not sure and I honestly don’t care too much. The group walk through another market and then decide to play soccer in a parking lot? I’m not sure but I think they either challenged a group of youths to a game or stole their playing field? Anyways, James Taylor uses this game to combat his growing insecurity among the other men because he’s not a HOTTIE like the rest of these guys. Listen James, I get it, you’re a bit dorky but also Luke has a weird face so I think you’re doing okay.

During the penalty kick challenge, James wins and gets his manhood back so much so that he’s confident enough to complain to JoJo about Jordan being a dick one time during a poker game.

James, my goodness. I hate Jordan as much as the next girl but you might pick another battle if you want to really bring down Jordan. Maybe all that controversy about him cheating on his past-girlfriends, sleeping with copious amounts of women and treating them badly, or how he came on this show as a blatant fame-seeking mission. There’s really a lot to complain about but him being a bit of dick during a poker game isn’t the most pressing matter.

And because JoJo is about seventy feet up Jordan’s butt, she goes to confront him immediately and Jordan awkwardly laughs it off in the way that assholes do, making you believe you’re stupid for even bringing it up, so JoJo believes him. God the obsession is real for JoJo. As my roommate Peter, who since moving in with me has watched every episode with me and I think is actually invested, says “This is just acting. Just acting. This fuck.” We’re not huge Jordan fans over here in Queens.

In a twist, Jordan doesn’t get the group rose. Instead, it goes to Luke, who JoJo spent about fifteen minutes straight mouth humping on some bench outside. That was a Buenos Aires kiss, let me tell you. I was a little worried there would be something INAPROPRO activities happening between the two of them. Hold your horses, Luke, it’s not time for the fantasy suites just yet.

It’s time for the two-on-one showdown date between Chase and John Krasinski. They go tangoeing and everything is really uncomfortable and awkward because neither of these mannequinesque men can really dance. John Derek seems to be really hitting it out of the park (sports reference, check it) and he seemingly has the rose in the bag, but this is a reality show so we know things will crash and burn momentarily. We know it for sure when Chase says he is opening up to JoJo and knows that his love is growing. And voila, a rose for Jordan’s cousin. They’re probably not related but they look and act too similar for me to care.

Derek gets into his limo without a rose and the shock of it bring him to tears and it’s INTENSE. He keeps repeating “Why am I crying? Stop crying” and I do that too man, don’t even worry. You’ll find your Pam someday. Meanwhile, Soledad O’Brien is singing “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” while Derek is actually LOSING it in the back of that limo. That poor guy.

Honestly, it took a lot of effort for me to write a detailed recap of their two-on-one date because it was just that boring and meaningless.

Okay. Now that we’ve got the three dates of the week out of the way, it’s time for the cocktail party. From the promos, we know that some dramz is gonna go down at the rose ceremony so I think we should get right to it.

I can’t believe Alex is still on this show because his pants and shirts are always too tight and he’s so short. I mean he’s probably not that short in real life. I’m only 5 foot so anyone a few inches taller than me is a giant, but Alex is so short I’m alarmed. The first rose goes to Robby and the second goes to Jordan because life is predictable like that. When its time for the third and final rose, JoJo says she can’t do this and goes outside to cry on Chris Harrison’s shoulder. When she gets back, a second rose is delievered and the audience is relieved to see that both James Taylor and Alex get a rose!!! YAY! Another week of the demon gnome Alex! Alex is furious about this and James is a happy little bear cub!

Next week, there is a bunch of lead up to the hometown visits. And it looks like Alex wears a weird hat so that’ll be horrifying!

Random Observations:
  • My roommate: “Robby is the right kind of douchebag for her.”
  • Jordan is such a fucker
  • “THAT WAS THE MOMENT WELLS” – not over this
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The Bachelorette Recap: Bye Chad!

HELLO! We’re back! It’s been two weeks since we’ve been graced with Chad’s presence on The Bachelorette and we jump right back into the action following JoJo picking Alex over Chad.

After hearing of his exit, the men in the house decided to ceremonially throw Chad’s protein powder off their balcony like it was the ashes of a dead pet with Wells declaring that Chad is “the worst person anyone has ever met” which okay, relax man. (He’s still cute though)

Unbeknownst to them, Chad (who apparently thinks he’s in The Blair Witch Project from the way he’s tip-toeing along in the woods) is making his way back to the group. Instead of taking the road like a normal human person, he decided to traipse through the woods like the were-beast he is. His little nature walk/Most Dangerous Game practice is accompanied by both creepy music, creepy whistling and grainy video footage so that the audience understands that this is a ~scary~ scene.

The men have just finished throwing the powder into the woods and celebrating when Chad knocks on the door (but not before caressing his hands down the glass like a crazy person).

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ABC

His former workout buddy/lover/Canadian Daniel lets him in with a “What’s up, Dude?” Oh it’s totally nothing man, Chad’s just about to tear the other men limb from limb à la Wun Wun from Sunday’s GOT episode. Chad tells Daniel about his date and about how whiny baby Alex only talked about Chad the entire time, which is absolutely true. Then Jordan, who is too good looking tries his best to barter a peace treaty between Chad and the rest of the contestants, despite the fact that Chad is literally already kicked off the show so it doesn’t matter. This peace treaty doesn’t happen though because Evan, the FUCKER, asks if Chad has his wallet because he’s still bitter about the shirt incident from last episode.

I’m over this.

Goodbye Chad, RIP in peace.

The next thing that happens is so disturbing I can’t believe I have to write about it. Alex returns from his date where he probably had to use a step stool to kiss JoJo and the men lift him up and chant “DRAGON SLAYER”. Then they light sparklers indoor, which is very safe, and get drunker and drunker until their chant is “SLAYER OF THE DRAGON”. Dear God. Men are so dramatic.

Let’s get on to the cocktail party, PLEASE.

JoJo is SERIOUS about this process so Chase decides to put her in those plastic bubbles you play fight in. Sure man, great plan. Robby does one better by taking her to the fountain to make a wish and then make out while all the other guys comment about it inside, because they’re super mature. James F. recites a horrible poem which makes JoJo cry. Listen, you’ve known this guy for maybe three weeks and probably been in his presence for like a day and now you’re sobbing???? For goodness sake, this guy goes by James F. Can you really react that way to someone whose last name you don’t know?

BEGIN: “Alex is a fucker” interlude

All of these displays of affection are making Alex, the garden gnome, upset. And my god, this guy is the exact definition of toxic masculinity. Alex, throughout this episode, gets madder and madder about different guys. In particular, Derek. He thinks Derek is too sensitive and jealous which is totally justifiable considering he’s dating JoJo who is also dating about 12 other horrible guys. He says “he’s giving off this vibe of insecurity and I hate it” because he’s a huge asshole.

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Later in the episode, when Derek actually pulls aside Chase, Robby, Jordan (who is really bugging me), and Alex to tell them he feels uncomfortable by their cliquey fratboy/fuckboy behavior, Alex displays his true colors and refers to Derek as a “little bitch” in camera confessionals and acts like an all around douche. I’m sorry but that’s so uncalled for and disgusting. On paper, Alex seemed like a catch, but NOPE.

Shoutout to sweet Wells, my little kumquat of a dream man who, when learning about Derek’s conversation said it took “valor” for him to stand up to the pretty clique. Ugh. I love him.

END: “Alex is a fucker” interlude

The rose ceremony begins and Derek, Wells, Chase, Robby, Grant, Vinny (it’s time for him to go), Grant, James T., and Evan (fuCK me) all get roses. Canadian Daniel and James F. go home and that’s not that disappointing because Daniel insinuates that if this were a looks only competition, he would handedly win. Go home, man.

The gang celebrates the fact that they’re still in the running to propose to JoJo and then break up with her a few months later when JoJo tells everyone they’re off to the glamorous Uruguay! I love Zika virus too! James Taylor isn’t too sure where in South America Uruguay is, but his sheer excitement is too cute to make fun of. Hey, look me up when you get eliminated from the show. I live in Queens and don’t have air conditioning.

The first date in South America goes to……JORDAN! No surprise there, considering he basically mounted her during the cocktail party. When the date card comes, no one is excited because everyone hates Jordan and they clearly don’t trust him. On their date, JoJo grills Jordan about his past relationships because she met his ex-girlfriend who told her he was a pretty bad boyfriend, which is no surprise once again. Jordan tells JoJo that nope, he didn’t really cheat, but he’s still an asshat with a capital A. JoJo doesn’t trust him but that doesn’t stop her from humping him and then saying that she feels like she had a “date out of a romantic movie”. He gets a rose, despite all her doubts, because that’s the way this show goes.

After their date, everyone is SUPER excited to hear about it from Jordan. He explains that they put on wetsuits or something. I don’t really remember what happened because I was rolling my eyes too hard.

But really, the reason they don’t care about the date is because there is trouble a brewin’ in Bachelorette town. The men “all on their own” “discovered” tabloid magazines with an article from JoJo’s ex, also named Chad BTW, making them doubt if she’s there for the right reasons. A producer hands her the magazine and her response is “Ew, are you kidding me?” because what really can you say to that. She sobs and assures all the men that she’s not into her ex, she’s into the twelve remaining guys! True love is so real.

Following that drama, the group date is here! Chase, Wells, Alex, Derek, Luke, Evan, Grant, and James get to go sandboarding with JoJo! She stands on top of a sand dune and yells “Hey Guys” in a voice that I’m sure is supposed to be flirty and cute, but just made me feel uncomfortable. Just as uncomfortable: the Gregorian chant of “JOJO” as the men race up the hill to embrace her. This show is so fucking weird.

The montage of the guys falling over while trying to sandboard is actually kind of cute and I’m still in love with Wells, even though he did the Shaka sign while going down the dune. Evan is still a big mustachioed baby whose sure he’s going to get another bloody nose, which would be great because then he would go off camera for awhile.

On the post-dunes part of the group date, Derek is feeling insecure and uncomfortable and needs some reassurance. JoJo gives him the group date rose, which is apparently how that process works? I’m not going to pretend to understand that, but I do understand the feelings Derek might be having. The men, Alex in particular, are very pissed about Derek and this is the part where Alex calls him a “little bitch” and then again, a “possessive little bitch”. Sorry, had to mention that again because Alex is a gnome/horrible person.

The second one-on-one of the Uruguay trip goes to Robby, who JoJo describes as a puppy WHILST playing with a puppy on a beach! Full circle, man. They try on hats, jump off a cliff together, and smooch by a fire after he declares his love for her. That puppy characterization actually makes sense because he’s super cute but very eager. It’s insane that he believes he’s in love with her already and that’s enough for him to get a rose.

As the episode winds down, Chris Harrison (still my dream man), tells the men that there won’t be a cocktail party because JoJo already has her mind made up. All the men are really mad that there is no cocktail party because they “needed that time”. Not sure that four minutes of face time with JoJo about 10 minutes before she is contemplating kicking people off the show is gonna cut it. It’s at this time in the episode where Derek confronts the #prettyboyclique about their behavior. Jordan calls him petty, Alex says it shows how insecure he is and I stopped listening after that.

At the rose ceremony, we learn that three people will be going home, and I know everyone in America was collectiely holding a breath hoping it would be Evan. AND YES! Everyone’s wildest dreams came true because Wells gets the last rose. That fact, coupled with the look on Evan’s face, is kind of the best part of my week. Also eliminated, Grant and Vinny. Grant was the last black guy (literally bye diversity) and Vinny was the barber who was probably from Staten Island? Idk, I don’t care.

Next week we travel to Buenos Aires where things are gonna get steamy, sultry, and SCANDALOUS! I cannot wait.

Random Observations:
  • JoJo: “Not all days are full of taking yachts and swimming with seals”
  • Loving Wells’ cardigan
  • “Cucumbers are great by the way” – thanks Jordan!

The Bachelorette Recap: Chad 2, Return of the Chad

When we last left off, Chad was completing his transition into the incredible Hulk and JoJo decided to have a pool party instead of a cocktail party. On her People.com blog, JoJo shares that she thought “for sure that having a pool party instead of a cocktail party would just help ease the mood and lessen the stress surrounding Chad and the guys.” Of course! What could go wrong when half-naked Chad sees other half-naked men fawning over JoJo!?

Before we can get to that fun though, we get to see the exciting resolution of the Chris Harrison/Chad/Evan cliffhanger from last week. Basically, Chad grunts out what I guess could be characterized as an “apology” except it really wasn’t and Evan is PISSED.

He’s all like “OMG Chad, you sweaty beast of a man, you owe me both a proper apology AND a new shirt because I only brought two to this show because obviously, knowing that my career is stated as an “erectile dysfunction specialist” I thought I would be long gone by now!”

And Chad counters with, “OK DUDE, I’ll give you the $20 bucks your crappy v-neck is worth, will that make you HAPPY? And FUCK no I won’t apologize to you, you tried to push me over!”

Then Evan’s like “Uh, no I didn’t,” and Chad is like “You slimy little liar” and then it goes on like that for awhile until Wells and James Taylor (the contestant, not the five-time Grammy winner and 2000 inductee into the Rock and Rock Hall of Fame) successfully shut both Chad and Evan up by declaring that everyone should just leave each other alone. Then Chad plays with some pool noodles while waiting for JoJo to arrive for the pool party.

I can’t think of anything I would hate more than being the only female at a testosterone-filled manfest where all that these creatures do is grunt things to the camera about how “hot” JoJo looks in a bikini and ogle her creepily as they dangle their hairy feet in the pool. I’m thankful this isn’t my life.

JoJo arrives at the house and greets the guys and then takes off her shirts and demands that everyone get into the pool. They do and what comes after is a wonderful montage of chicken fights, diving, and Evan bleeding! Don’t worry, Chad didn’t beat him up, he just can’t handle diving into a pool like a normal, human person. While he’s in the bathroom wiping away the weakness from his nose, JoJo takes the time for a little one-on-one action with Jordan. She jumps into his arms, straddles his waist, and goes for it. Sheesh, JoJo we get that he’s a frontrunner, relax.

Next, JoJo sits down with Chad. He’s confused how she can like both Evan and himself. I understand the conundrum, buddy. Evan interrupts, once again, and then we get to see a really upbeat montage of all the other guys complaining about Mr. Oily Muscles. Drama is brewing the men and it’s gonna get good.

After the pool party, it’s time for some roses. Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells (bae), James F.(get rid of him already so I don’t have to worry about multiple James’), Vinny, Daniel the Canadian, Alex, and Chad all get roses. During the rose ceremony, Alex and Evan continually complain to the camera that they’ll be disappointed if Chad gets a rose. They really need to chill out about Chad because it’s starting to get even more annoying than the man-beast himself. Also, it’s not at all surprising that he’s still there because duh, he’s perfect for TV, and JoJo thinks he’s hot and loves a bad boy.

Nick, Ali and Christian get the cut and that means (for everyone keeping track on their Bachelorette bingo boards) Grant is the only man of color left. These poor, sweet men. RIP diversity!

Anyways, following the axe of a few forgettable bachelors, JoJo informs the men they need to pack because they’re leaving the mansion for good. Oh and she’s not going to tell us where we’re going, because that would ruin the surprise of traveling to PENNSYLVANIA!!! Oh hell yes. JoJo is hoping to resolve the issues caused by the hornet’s nest that is the Bachelor mansion by transporting these gentlemen to a resort in Nemacolin, Pennsylvania. JoJo hopes to “leave all the drama behind” by flying to the resort in a biplane. Not sure how the men got there, but they sure are enjoying the “rolling hills and forests” by dangerously driving a brigade of muddy jeeps to their “manly, rugged” suite – which Evan says makes him feel really comfortable for some reason?!?!?! Oh man, I totally get it, Evan. Because the first thing most people think about when it comes to him is “manly”.

Okay, enough of me making fun of Evan. I’m sure I’ll have more time for that later.

JoJo’s first one-on-one goes to Luke – who makes a great impression on her and seems like a sweetheart. Too bad he probably won’t make it in the end. They spend their date in an wood-powered hot tub and wouldn’t you know it? The tub is incredibly hot. I know this because JoJo manages to tell us that “this hot tub is hot, very very hot” and then has Luke pick her up by the badonkadonk to help her ease into the water. That’s how I do it too, girl. This excites JoJo because, “he’s a gentleman!!”

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(Screenshot/ABC)

Okay pause. I want to know how in the hell her makeup staying on? I can’t manage my third-floor walkup without sweating off my concealer so me in a hot tub equals Sloth from The Goonies.

Anyways, after sitting in a bath of their sweat and champagne, Luke tells JoJo a story about his best friend dying in combat after she tries to get him to open up. He gets a rose, because she’d be a fucker not to, and then they proceed to a stage where they make out in front of a crowd of people and two singers named Dan and Shay. Surprisingly, I’ve heard of them and I wonder why ABC only uses country singers for these dates.

Meanwhile, Alex complains (AGAIN) that there would be nothing worse in this WORLD than being on a two-on-one date with Chad. Really Alex? You’re a marine so have some perspective.

When the group date names are read out – the only ones missing are Alex and Chad so we all know that the pair will be forced into a two-on-one in which ONLY ONE WILL SURVIVE. Dun Dun Dun. We’ll get back to the epic showdown in a moment, don’t you worry…

The group date consists of Derek, James T., Daniel (the Canadian), Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F., Evan (ugh), Grant, Jordan, and Robby. We get to see Robby pull out his stellar Matthew McConaughey with a smooth “alright, alright, alright” as he realizes he’s apart of the orgy group date with JoJo. Listen, the date card said “we could go all the way” so I’m not far off on the orgy idea. They make their way to Heinz Field in Pittsburgh and are joined by three football players including Ben Roethlisberger, Heinz Ward (mmm ketchup), and another guy I’ve never heard. These men are apparently equally qualified to coach football and coach JoJo on the intricacies of love. The boys break off into two teams and in classic Bachelor(ette) fashion, the winning team will be allowed a bit more time with JoJo. All in all, the touch football game was incredibly disappointing because Evan’s team won and Wells’ team lost. Wells was “irate”. Poor thing. Plus, James Taylor got really bloody, which despite being pretty sucky, was absolutely hilarous. I mean, just look at him!

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(Screenshot/ABC)

Can you tell I love Wells and James Taylor and dislike Evan? It’s surprising, I know. But totally justified considering this is how he decided to style his football outfit….

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(Screenshot/ABC)

At the post-football cocktail party, JoJo tells us that this was one of the best days of her life. Really JoJo? Watching 11 men sweat and bleed on each other while you watched on the sidelines in a hoodie was one of the best days of your life? Girl needs to travel.

Adding to her “BEST DAY EVER” was a steamy makeout session with Robby on a pool table and Jordan declaring his growing feelings to our favorite grown-up woman named JoJo. Jordan got the rose, obviously, and then we all didn’t care about the group date anymore because the Chad + Alex showdown was about to begin.

Honestly, it’s hard to pick which one of these men is worse. Chad seems to be a bit unstable and kind of dangerous, but Alex is whiny and annoying and also he’s really short and really muscular which means he’s basically Randy in his snowsuit from A Christmas Story and probably has similar problems with keeping his arms sticking down by his side. Alex spends his one-on-one time with JoJo complaining about Chad, the river monster. Chad tells JoJo he “isn’t an aggressive guy” which is definitely true of the guy who threatens to track down and beat up other guys and states of Alex that if he mentions his name, he’ll “be taking his teeth home.” Charming!

As JoJo gets an “overwhelming feeling of emotion” as she sits on a log, Chad pauses his creepy whistling through the woods à la The Blair Witch Project to tell Alex that he’s not mad, just disappointed. Which is definitely not something I ever want to hear from anyone, because it’s a lot scarier than your good old-fashioned “taking his teeth home with me” jab. Then Chad says”life ain’t all blueberries and paper planes,” and the two of them can definitely agree on that, whatever the fuck it means. Then they talk about milk for a bit and continue with the musings on how “pigs are in the castle”.

JoJo soon comes back from her log-sitting in time to stop all the weird analogies and idioms and metaphors that Chad’s trying to trademark to deliver the news. Alex gets rose because Chad let her down and spends too much of his time being a violent asswipe, which is a totally valid reason to get rid of him and I’m glad she did.

Alex is extra haughty when he gets the rose and might be more excited about the fact that he got it over Chad than that he got it from JoJo. Dude, you didn’t earn it. Chad let her down so she was like, fine I’ll give this rose to the guy who spends most of his time talking about Chad.  Honestly, JoJo, why didn’t you get rid of the both of them? We all know Alex is too short to be a real contender for your heart. Put him out of his misery now.

The episode ends with Chad’s scary whistling continuing as he places his hands on the glass door where the bachelors are staying. It’s pretty creepy and I’m not sure when this show became legitimately scary, but it’s really interesting and I’m loving what you’re doing ABC!

We have to wait two weeks to see how the drama unfolds and I, for one, can’t wait. The Frankenstein monster that is Chad is still on the loose and JoJo cries a lot. It’s going to be good, guys.

Random Observations:
  • Why do all the contestants wear weird, ugly necklaces? I get that they have to stick their mics somewhere, but come on!
  • “Life ain’t all blueberries and paper planes.”
  • The milk conversation went something like this: Chad: “Have a glass of milk man” Alex: “No, I don’t like milk” Chad (indignant):”Milk is delicious, dude!”

The Bachelorette Recap: Everybody Hates Chad

Because I was graduating college and moving apartments for the first two weeks of the thirty billionth season of The Bachelorette, I was unable to recap the first four hours of JoJo Fletcher’s season. In case you’re wondering, you didn’t miss much. The gist is: JoJo has great boobs, every single male contestant (except for the three Black guys, really fulfilling that diversity quota, eh ABC?) looks the same, and someone named Chad might beat everyone up. Okay, here we go.

Week three begins with the news that I’m in for a TWO NIGHT BACHELORETTE EVENT! Or as Chris Harrison says “part one of the exciting two night Bachelorette event”. Honestly, I’m not sure why Chris Harrison is still hitched to this Bachelor(ette) shitshow, because I feel like he’s somewhat sane. Actually, it might have something to do with the fact that he makes $80,000 per episode, which is totally justified for his whole “this is the final rose” shtick. Dear GOD does Chris Harrison have it good.

Anyways, part one of this exciting two night event (as I keep telling myself) begins with the whitest people on earth snoozing away in the Bachelor mansion. Robby, a former competitive swimmer and quite honestly, the most well-groomed man on earth, says that it looks like a “hurricane came through and trounced the house” a sentence he uttered in order to not look like a moron on television. Thanks to ABC, we get to see shots of the “trounced” house including a wonderful close-up of a half-eaten carrot. Thanks, I guess!? His testimonial quickly delved into how much of a douche Chad is, who the show has quickly deemed their “villain” and for good reason too. Do you see that constant little half-faced smirk he has on? Looking like an even-creepier creepy smiling meme guy.

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(Screenshot/ABC)

So it’s pretty obvious, a minute in, that this episode is going to center around Chad’s douchiness, which should make for some thrilling television. As Evan, the pastor turned erectile dysfunction specialist who looks more like that asshole at a party that would whip out his guitar and start strumming some bullshit John Mayer song tells us, “I actually think Chad has two sides to him, you have douche and then you also have asshole”. Which, despite the validity of what Mr. pastor von erection is saying, is quite difficult to take seriously considering he’s wearing a tank top during his confessional and has a shoulder tattoo almost as terrible as his stupid facial hair. Also, I’m wary to take anything he says seriously considering his ABC bio says that his deal-breakers in relationships are “girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers,” and here’s the big one, “girls who have serious food allergies.” What a fuckface.

As the men continue to bitch about Chad and his “caveman mentality”, Chris Harrison enters the house in a spiffy little cashmere sweater to save me from having to listen to another confessional from Evan. Man I hate that guy. But I love Chris Harrison. My future husband informs the men that there will be three dates this week – one group and two one-on-ones. This scares the lemmings because they are worried Chad will get a date and continue to mystify JoJo with his veiny arms and smirky face until she allows him to enter her.

James Taylor, the singer-songwriter, reads out who gets the first one-on-one. It’s Chase, who I didn’t know existed because he looks like every single other guy on the show. Their date is going to be all about getting “physical” but don’t worry, Chad isn’t too troubled about Chase’s date with JoJo because he KNOWS that their connection is stronger than anyone elses. Anyways it doesn’t matter because he’s apparently in love with Daniel the Canadian, evidenced by the sexy grunting they do when they share a workout. Wow. True love exists.

JoJo finally gets a turn to talk and she tells us that she’s ACTUALLY DEVELOPING FEELINGS! Wow! Two weeks into a on-camera reality show where your every move and interaction with the opposite sex is not only filmed, but coached! That is just incredibly beautiful, JoJo. Almost as beautiful as your hair, because those tresses are wondrous.

She’s excited for her date with Chase. The two are going to do some yoga and JoJo says she’s “always wanted to get into yoga but never actually done it” like every other twenty-something on earth. I’m sure she was like, “OMG, always wanted to do yoga and I think the perfect time to try it out will be on a TV show broadcast to millions with a guy I just met!” The yoga instructor could barely contain her judgement when the pair tell her they’re joining her for an intimate session when they “met about a week ago”. From there, the two engaged in sexually charged yoga/foreplay with a lot more yelling than I wanted in my life and then ended up making out while practicing a position that looks like it came out of the Kama Sutra. Chase LOVED this, by the way. He is now a yoga addict and I’m sure went out and bought a overpriced mat and one of those little blocks you rest your ass on to really get a stretch in. But lemme drop some knowledge on you Chase (which actually shouldn’t be a name because, come on) next time you go to a hot yoga class in whatever town you’re from, you won’t have the pleasure of a hot young thing pressed against your boner.

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(Screenshot/ABC)

In addition to being forced to watch them make out, I was FORCED into the realization that Chase has an incredibly ugly side tattoo. This is my worst nightmare considering how much I complained about Ben’s ugly stomach tattoo last season on The Bachelor.

Following the yoga sesh, the two rendezvoused to some random backyard to watch a d-list concert. OMG YAY, it’s Charles Kelley, Chase informs us. I’m sure that’s information Chase knew on his own and wasn’t prompted into telling the audience by a producer. They sway to the music and Chase gets a rose and it’s all wonderful and romantic.

For the group date, Jordan, Grant, Wells (DREAM MAN), James F, Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, and Chad, the neanderthal, are off to share their secrets with JoJo. The group proceeds on their merry way and arrive in front of JoJo in their limos spouting  such charming things like “there she is”, “she’s looking good” and”oh my god!” with hungry little looks in their eyes as they ogle her. And WHO CARES about their date, Jordan grunts, because JoJo is standing there looking beautiful.

The “men” learn that their date will be “Sex Talks”, where they’ll have to tell their deepest and darkest sexual secrets. I do agree that talking about sex and intimacy is important in relationships, but maybe not on a first date, JoJo. Some of the men are excited, including  Evan the erection expert. Chad is not excited and he’s right, because this is horrible and I would NEVER want to do this on a first date. But he’s a veinmonster so it’s hard to agree with anything he says. 

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(Comedy Central)

Before “the battle of the century” between Evan and Chad goes down, we get to hear snippets of the other guys’ sex stories and the audience proceeds to politely clap and JoJo fake laughs. Chad refuses to tell a story and Evan decides to tell an allegorical tale about Chad in which he insinuates that Chad’s behavior is because he uses steroids. Chad’s anger is palpable and they immediately have a bit of an altercation because you can’t anger the man-beast without consequences, Evan. Following this, Chad punches a door and the men complain some more.

Thankfully, the complaints don’t last long because we are thrust into a post-date cocktail party that consists of a makeout sesh between Jordan and JoJo and Chad interrupting every guy’s one-on-one moments. This prompts Evan to to say that if Chad stays, he’s going to go. And he’s serious, he has his mind made up. Sorry Evan, you’re not Jordan so you can’t really pull that shit.

JoJo confronts him about this and tells him she still likes them both and isn’t going to make a choice between the two of them just yet. She offers him the group rose and because Evan is a slimy little turd and wants to stay on television to talk about erections, he accepts the rose. He also says “guess what, Daddy made out with JoJo” which was just plain disgusting.

Chad is very angry when Evan and JoJo walk back out because he can’t believe she’s “vibing” Evan. Which admittedly, is a question I have, but still a dick move. Oh tactless Chad, you oaf of a man.

The last date of the week goes to James T, who is very adorable and polite but I hate his name and the fact that he’s a singer-songwriter. I’m sorry James Taylor the Bachelorette contestant, there’s already a James Taylor who will outlive your existence. They go swing-dancing and end their date drinking hot chocolate from thermoses while they sit in a parked convertible in a “great park” which I’m sure is just a soundstage.

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(ABC/Greg Zabilski)

He whips out his guitar (oh, brother) and sings a lil song that makes her cry. She’s probably crying because people hate when a singer-songwriter forces a song onto them. Despite this, he gets a rose, which is only justified because James’ dancing was very cute. But also their date was very PG considering earlier in the episode, Chase and JoJo humped each other whilst doing the downward facing dog. “Emotions is all I’m feeling right now” JoJo says. What a way with words.

Meanwhile, at the mansion, Derek, a banker, who kinda looks like John Krasinski makes himself relevant during this episode by complaining to Wells that he felt unsafe sleeping next to Chad. Chad has become a danger to his fellow bachelors so they’ve dispatched some security guards to keep an eye on Chad who is scary because he eats sweet potatoes whole. Canadian Daniel says “let’s say you’re Hitler” to roid-monster Chad, which was a bit extreme. Chad counters with “let’s not say I’m Hitler”. Daniel takes it down a notch and tells him to be more like Mussolini or Bush! Wow, sound advice, Daniel.

I’m saved from listening to anymore of this asinine conversation because Chris Harrison is back (yay!) and tells the men there won’t be a cocktail party this week because ABC is going to make it a two-episode week  JoJo wants to have a pool party before the rose ceremony. Evan takes this time to tell Chris that Chad is a fucker who is a danger to everyone in the house. Chris pretends to care about this and promises Evan he’ll do something about it – which basically means that he pulls Chad aside and tells him to apologize to the other bachelors. Chad defends himself whilst simultaneously plotting Evan’s demise because doesn’t Evan know that being a tattletale is probably not going to end well!?

The next episode should be really uneventful and calm! Can’t wait!

Random Observations:

  • Take a shot because Alex uttered the phrase, “here for the right reasons”
  • Canadian Daniel tells us his favorite bodily fluid is “poo”
  • I love any moment Wells is on screen because he is a scrumptious little crumpet of a man

Mindy…Without Danny

The Mindy Project is back, and Mindy is single once again, which I don’t particularly mind.

After the show aired its winter finale, on December 8th, there was a lot up in the air. We were left wondering if Mindy and Danny would make it, but this time, it seemed pretty apparent what would happen. (Especially considering we know that Chris Messina has been absent for reasons unknown)

Following that episode, I went on Christmas break and spent my nights doing puzzles and doing another watch through of the previous three and half seasons. Watching Mindy again, especially with the knowledge that Danny and Mindy were in dire straits, I was more aware of their relationship. I saw the same doubts Mindy had about Danny – the fact that he didn’t fully support her career and his reluctance to commit – more obviously than I ever had before. On my original watch through of the show, I was so wrapped up in the fantasy of Mindy + Danny, the will they or won’t they of the relationship, that I ignored the cracks that were quite distinct.

In the December winter finale, watching Mindy measure Leo’s crib and then find that the measurements fit into her own apartment, backed by Sam Smith’s Stay With Me, was undeniably heart-wrenching; I found myself crying for the last four minutes of the show. That ending signified something big, and I knew we would see the effects of it during the mid-season premiere.

The episode, entitled “Will They Or Won’t They” (interesting, considering the entire show has been about that dynamic, now it’s playing out in a completely different way) opens in a four minute montage backed by Stevie Wonder’s rendition of “We Can Work It Out”. It chronicles the back and forth of Danny and Mindy, ending with Danny and Mindy’s official break-up, him leaving the practice. I don’t think that Mindy and Danny are over for good, but for the rest of the season, I think she’s going to be a single mom.

Moving on from Danny, Mindy has a lot to focus on – mostly revolving around work. The montage informed us that her fertility clinic with Jody and Morgan is wildly successful and the people at Shulman and Associates are her family. (I miss Peter by the way)

Mindy’s journey into singledom, for the audience, begins in this episode as she sets up a Spring Break for young college girls who want to freeze their eggs. This, of course, ends badly with the girls rebelling against Mindy’s “fun” Spring Break plans, which includes tickets to Hamilton. (Um, I’ll freeze my eggs right now if it meant I got tickets to Hamilton)

The girls eventually go out into New York and “leash” pets (which actually means they unleash them), including Seth Meyers’ beloved Frisbee. During these antics, in which Mindy should be helping Morgan, Jody, and Tamra wrangle these girls, she’s caught up in Danny. They begin to hook up and even though Mindy knows she shouldn’t be doing it, she does anyway. It’s important to note that the show has been pretty heavily demonizing Danny during this episode, so the final moment in which Mindy cuts things off with him saying that even though things are that bad between the two of them, “They’re not good, either,” isn’t really that sad. It’s actually pretty refreshing.

Cutting herself off from Danny means that she can now focus on solving the problems that have been created by these Spring Breakers. She finds one of the girls, Chloe, (pronounced “Shlow” throughout the episode and who had slept with Jody before) and talks sense into her because she also knows about relationship troubles, having just gone through something similar.

Quick Seth Meyers Sidebar:

  • Remember when Mindy and Seth went on a date in Season 1? I’d like to think that was the actual Seth Meyers in disguise as he has now been on the show twice, in two totally different capacities
  • Morgan kissing Frisbee continually while on the phone with Mindy had be dying a bit.

Okay back to the show.

What I love about Mindy is that as a mom, she’s making decisions she probably wouldn’t have before. Cutting herself off from Danny completely  is a turning point for her and for their relationship. As much as I did love the two of them together, this was the right choice for her at this moment. Plus, the rest of the season is sure to include many more of the first date mishaps and relationship troubles that i’ve always loved about this show. There’s also the added complication that she’s a mom. That’ll be hilarious to see as she dates.

Another thing I love: Now that The Mindy Project on Hulu is that it seems to be taking a different path, one that I’m intrigued to continue watching, as I think Mindy Kaling and the writers have even more freedom than they did before. It’s really allowing the show to go past what it could’ve been on a network.

I’m excited to see what else Mindy Lahiri has in store and I’m glad to see that Mindy Kaling is fully embracing that idea.

Goodbye to Ben H. and his Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Tattoo

We’re there folks, the end of the line. Goodbye Ben H. Goodbye JoJo. Goodbye Lauren B. Goodbye HORRIBLE tattoo that honestly looks like permanent marker stamped on with a cattle rod…..

If you’re not aware, or haven’t taken a gander at your friends’ snapchat story in the past 24 hours, last night was the season finale of the 2oth (!!!!) season of The Bachelor, helmed by the “unlovable” and terribly tattooed Ben Higgins. (yes I will continue to talk about his tattoo because it’s not okay and someone should have stopped him) The finale itself featured about an hour and half of Ben considering his options, Lauren B. or JoJo, with a guest appearance from his parents. (Ben’s mom look’s exactly like him by the way) What complicated the whole matter was that Ben, in an UNPRECEDENTED move, told both girls he loved them. And I almost believed him! In the end, it was no surprise that he chose Lauren, but I felt a twinge of pain for JoJo. (Even though she told Ben he was her best friend….my GOD)

She put her heart on the line and I think she was at least completely infatuated, if not in love, with Ben and seeing her upset right at the last moment (after baring her heart) was difficult.

I honestly appreciate a good reality romance. #TBT to when I first watched Survivor: All-Stars and Amber and Rob’s romance quite literally made me die. I cannot believe that two people can fall in love when no showers are involved. Truly, relationship #goals, especially considering I write this post with hair so greasy, I wonder why someone hasn’t forcefully shampooed me yet. So honestly, my young brain was molded into rooting for reality romance. And it’s true – I do appreciate the fact that Sean and Catherine are still together (and having a baby) and will honestly be upset if Kaitlyn and Shawn B. ever break because the first time I saw him I think my eyes popped out of my head like in a cartoon because yum.

Anyways, I knew from the beginning that Lauren B. would come away from this engaged to Ben. After 20 seasons, it’s not so surprising. But I was rooting for JoJo in the last few episodes, especially after her admittance to Ben that she loved him. His mirrored ‘I love you’ back to her and her subsequent reaction was quite lovely and one of the more genuine moments of the series. I’m glad ABC was so kind as to give her a shot as the Bachelorette where she will inevitably get engaged to some random douche, break up a year later, and start a fashion blog.

Let’s be clear, I’m under no false impression that The Bachelor is nothing more than a ratings-hungry, manipulative, and gross depiction of ‘love’ – which offends me to my very core – but I still guiltily watch it each season; which is part of its deception considering I’m #1, a feminist and #2, intelligent. What is it about the world of The Bachelor that makes me tune in? Why can’t I make myself hate it? Maybe it’s because no matter how ridiculous and far-fetched and completely unrealistic it is, I crave the ‘love story’ narrative. Maybe that’s why I keep watching and maybe that’s why I still cry every time I watch The Notebook.

I do take pride in that no matter how many episodes I watch…or spinoffs…or made for TV weddings between past contestants, I still realize the insanity that is this show and how it makes my mind go to mush for two hours every Monday night. I still know that by “trusting the process” the girls who are put in that house are being manipulated, misconstrued, and edited within an inch of their life. (Have you seen unREAL?) Maybe I know that even the most intelligent and well-spoken women (talking about you, Sharleen, you opera-singing goddess) will go on a season with uber-nast Juan-Pablo. It gives me a teaspoon of relief knowing that there are women out there like me. Women who say “I know it’s dumb and fake, but it’s my guilty pleasure”every time they sit down to watch, either to themselves or to those around them.

So thanks, The Bachelor for another season of mindless television that I am now confident enough to say I watch…enjoy…yet remain critical of. And isn’t that the best way to watch TV?

So RIP season 20 and Bachelor Ben H. Your tattoo will haunt my dreams and cloud my mind everytime I look at a torso.

Four and three and two and one…

Broad City

Season 3, Episode 1

“Two Chainz”: A

YAS KWEEEEN! Broad City is back and I am SO happy.

If you’re not watching this show, stop reading and go watch!!!! It’s too good to put off, especially considering it was just renewed for a 4th and 5th season!

Season three premiered on Wednesday night on Comedy Central and it was…..amazing.

“Two Chainz” opens with a genius two-minute split-screen montage of protagonists Abbi and Ilana in their respective bathrooms, chronicling the weird, disgusting, and hilarious things they get up to. We get an intimate (which is saying something) look at several months of their lives, including months that the show doesn’t cover considering it’s only set in summer months.

On their toilets, the montage starts with the girls in a throwback from last season’s finale, “St. Marks”, wearing the t-shirts they bought on the street after Ilana threw wine on Abbi’s dress. That starts the sensory overload of the montage, which had me pausing and replaying the entire time I watched.

They both read Hillary Clinton’s autobiography, Abbi mirroring Hillary’s pose on the cover, a detail I only realized after my 6th watch through, Ilana saluting what she writes with her pants down.

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They eat pizza, talk on the phone (to each other, I’m assuming), examine body parts, and celebrate Pride. Abbi throws away three fish, Ilana and Lincoln get frisky. Abbi gets a disastrous haircut, the two dress up as Madonna for Halloween, react to pregnancy tests, straighten their hair (as you might guess, Ilana straightens her pubes) whilst wearing the famous white and gold/blue and black dresses, and Abbi tries out hair exenstions (you later see the hair hanging in Ilana’s bathroom on a hook). They both get visitors (Jaime bringing Ilana iced coffee and the two hugging and Abbi furious at Bevers’ unwanted presence) and there’s a lot of sex.

There’s celebrations for New Year’s, Valentine’s Day (both girls have half of a HUGE pink “Best Friends” chocolate box full of candy, because Duh) which I especially liked since we never see those moments on the show.

And of course, they dance wildly. Nothing is better than Abbi Jacobson dancing, I’m sure of it. Her ‘Edge of Glory’ dance from Season 2’s  “Mochalatta Chills” is probably one of my favorite moments from the entire series.

It ends with the two getting high, checking their phones and meeting up to start this fantastic episode.

It’s one of those episodes that Broad City does so well. The premise is simple; the two decide to go to a certain event and many a thing will go wrong on their way there.In this episode, they’re on their way to an art gallery where Abbi’s college roommate Maxanne has a piece and just like in the pilot episode where all they want is tickets to a Lil Wayne concert, it’s going to take a lot of effort to get there.

Beginning with brunch where the hostess calls Abbi ‘Abbo’ and Ilana losing her bike chain key in a sewer grate, their day doesn’t go well. They head to a pop-up clothing sale so Abbi can buy a “hipper” shirt for the art gallery and she ends up leaving with the tag still on the shirt, only realizing when they’re almost to Lincoln’s trapeze school graduation. There, they discuss what Sex and the City character they are, a conversation that could seem so tired considering every show and movie does some version of it, but their conversation doesn’t make me roll my eyes, it’s self-aware and sweet.

For reference, Lincoln (about trapeze) “The Miranda in me thought, out of my comfort zone. But the Carrie in me couldn’t resist.” Abbi: “You know what, I’m really a Miranda/Carrie too, I think. But with a little bit of Charlotte, even though she really annoys me.” Ilana on her Samantha status, “Sometimes I’m happy about it, but other times I’m like ‘it’s gross’.” That self-awareness and honesty is what makes it more real, and fucking funny.

Broad City veers on the edge of insane, but what it excels at more than its counterpart shows about 20-somethings in New York (see: Girls) is that no matter what wacky things Abbi and Ilana end up in, everything is firmly grounded in reality. Even with the sometimes surreal and questionable things that the show produces (hint: the sound of a voice coming from the grate where Ilana loses her bike chain key), the show’s relationships are so real and relatable that even those surreal moments don’t seem that surreal.

As a 22 year old (almost) college graduate, seeing Abbi and Ilana have shitty apartments, shitty roommates (not Jaime, of course), and nowhere near having their lives figured out makes the show even more enjoyable. Above all, Abbi and Ilana’s friendship reigns supreme, no matter the bad day or huge art piece of a scrotum they encounter, and that’s what makes this show so brilliant.

At the end of the episode, the two finally get to the art gallery where you might guess, things don’t go according to plan, but it ends with the girls together, as they always should be.

The premiere is free on Comedy Central right now so go watch it, Kween!

 

Grease LIVE or Aaron Tveit’s Biceps Have Made Me See God

On Sunday night FOX broadcast Grease LIVE, another installment in primetime television’s attempts to put on successful live television musicals. And let me tell you, it was a triumph. I’ve watched all of the attempts to stage live television musicals (The Sound of Music, Peter Pan (dear GOD Christopher Walken dancing), The Wiz) and this was just magnificent and went much farther in both quality and enjoyment.

For me, I was interested in seeing it because I loved the cast and was procrastinating writing a paper and so of course I turned it on.

It was directed by Thomas Kail, the mastermind behind Hamilton, and you can tell. It’s a marvel. The incorporation of a live studio audience gave the show the feel of live theater and added a boost of energy I think both the cast and crew needed. Plus, the opening number where we actually got to see all around the studio lot and how the cast got around during commercial breaks was pretty cool.

I thought the cast was fantastic, especially Vanessa Hudgens and the rest of the pink ladies. Kether Donohue as Jan was hysterical and she’s one of my favorite people ever – you should be watching You’re the Worst if you’re not already. Carly Rae Jepsen was perfect as Frenchy and Aaron Tveit and Julianne Hough were fine as Danny and Sandy respectively. Ana Gasteyer and Haneefah Wood as the principal and Blanche were hysterical and I’m literally over the moon anytime I see her anywhere. PLUS, how amazing was the diversity of the cast?

Each musical performance was enjoyable but my favorite of the night was Jordan Fisher’s rendition of ‘Those Magic Changes’ which honestly, has changed my life forever. I can’t stop listening to it on spotify and like the rest of America, I am now in love with him.

Ugh just look at him, he’s the cutest. (And that voice!!!) Anna Kendrick sums up my thoughts on the night perfectly….

Vanessa Hudgens’ rendition of ‘There Are Worst Things I Could Do’ was powerful and sweet, considering her father’s passing the night before. What a performer.

Overall, I loved Grease: LIVE and I honestly want to watch it all over again and probably will, let’s be real.

Stay tuned when I’ll be reviewing everyone’s favorite misogynist TV show, The Bachelor, as I feel it’s my duty to be snarky online about it.